I had used different things before- a found back massager, the rushing water from the bathtub faucet, a deconstructed electric shaver. (Don’t try that one.)

When I went to college, I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend and I used a few toys- mostly novelty things, like a lipstick vibe or flavored lube. Then I took a class in Human Sexuality. It was an awesome class. Coupled with some rockin’ women’s studies classes, my world began to open. My awesome professor recommended a few sex toy websites to us. One of them was Babeland.

I visited the site, and a few more, like Goodvibes. They had such a different feel than the seedy toy stores I had been to in the past. They were woman-friendly, body-positive, catered to a variety of sexualities… Much more inviting.

So two years (plus a few days) ago, I ended a loving but virtually sexless relationship with The Gamer. I decided to reclaim my sexuality and make the most of it.

I made an account on a dating website and set up a bunch of dates. 2 months later I met The Chef, and a month or two later than that, I started this blog. I started reading blogs like SapioSlut, LittleGirlyOne, The Sub Mission, Fit to be Tied, Exploring Intimacy, Sugarbutch, and Saved By The Brew.

I learned about sex toy reviewing and got into the biz. I started my other blog and started to get sex toys. Having such wonderful toys available at my fingertips, I started to experiment with new sensations. I figured out my g-spot, and learned to come that way with the help of the G-Ki. Soon after I learned to squirt. The liberator throe helped me relax, release, and get better at it.

After an unlucky turn of events, I contracted HSV1 last January. My relationship with my body changed again, drastically. But with the help of an amazing partner, a good resource for safe sex supplies, and a vibrator that could get me off through my jeans, I slowly found my way back to myself.

There have been lots more toys and lots more experiences. I’ve used oodles of lubes and butt toys and BDSM toys and dildoes of all shapes and sizes. I’ve used them with partners and alone and had wild and sexy and silly adventures. If I had never begun to review, I would probably never have gotten a Wartenberg Wheel, double harness, or this unbelievably good blindfold.

Sex toys have helped me get more in touch with my own body and my pleasure. They’ve lit sparks that led to fun exploration, and have enabled me to learn about entirely different kinds of pleasure. Have they impeded my ability to come without them? No. Do I love them and use them regularly? Absolutely. Has the Hitachi burned my clit off or made it impossible for me to come without it? Absolutely not. I still prefer another person over any toy, but toys are fun and awesome.

These past 2 years have been absolutely awesome. I owe it in no small part to amazing companies like Babeland, which provides fantastic products and services and information for little explorers like me.

3 cheers to them!

And now I’m off, Purewand in hand, for an enjoyable evening of my own company. I wish you all the same.

Happy New Year!

Tonight I opened four:

Of The Chef:
“There’s no use boosting a man up the ladder unless he’s willing to climb.”

Of David:
“Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.”

Of me:
“Choose your own path.”

And of my career:
“Now is the time to go ahead and pursue that love interest!”

No comment on why I just ate four fortune cookies.

We were in bed now, working off the chill from the night. I had stripped slowly but not particularly ceremoniously and had crawled under his warm, puffy blankets. His body found mine and formed to my side, his big strong arm under my neck like a pillow.

I had seen him only two or three times since David and I made our relationship official. I was so glad to be with The Chef- he is an old friend at this point- but it did feel a little funny to be here, naked, with him. And at the same time, it felt like home.

“Chef,” I asked, “Can I ask you a hypothetical question?” In all the times I had rehearsed this conversation in my head and with Marco and Roxy, it had never started like this.

“Sure,” he chuckled. “What’s up?”

Deep breath. “If I was seeing someone and it was getting more serious, would you want to know about it?”

“I guess,” he said. “I mean, either way. Whatever you want. There are pros and cons to both, you know?”

“Ok. Well. I want to tell you. I have a boyfriend.”

They were the words I had thought of over and over in my head. I had a bunch of important points I wanted to make, but not overdo: He and I have talked it out at length and there was been lots of discussion and thought and mutual decision-making and clarifying about this. You, Chef, were grandfathered in.

“Can you sleep with anyone, then?” he asked.

“No. Just you.”

He chuckled.

“Is that ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

“Chef, I was so worried about telling you this. I’m not good at predicting how you’ll feel about relationshippy things-”

“Neither am I,” he joked, and kissed my shoulder.

“I just figured you might feel ok about it and you might not, and you might want to stop things with me, and if that was the case I felt like I owed it to you to tell you about it.”

The words tumbled out of my mouth, pushed by the relief of his acceptance. He pulled me onto my side and spooned up against my back, holding me to him with both arms. I hugged his arm to my chest and kissed it.

“Chef, I never would have even thought about doing this before I knew you. You changed the way I think about a lot of things. I really appreciate it.”

“Everything’s negotiable, kid,” he said. “Everything.”

I was so relieved, and so happy.

“Honestly, Katie,” he said after a few minutes, “it kind of turns me on. I mean, knowing that he’s your boyfriend but you’re here with me right now- and I know it’s not like this, but don’t say anything, cuz it’s kind of fun- it feels like I’ve won.”

It was silly and I know he knew that wasn’t how it really was, but I didn’t mind in the least if that was a fun fantasy for him.

I turned and kissed him and his hands skimmed my body, surveying me. He was claiming me for the night. He was forceful and dominant, the way that David is not. He rubbed my clit hard and ripped an orgasm out of me, then filled my pussy with one finger, then two, then three.

He and I were both covered in sweat. His broad warm shoulders moved like the ocean as he pushed into me, deeper, deeper, wider. He pushed in another finger. I was soaking wet.

“Tell me if anything hurts, baby,” he growled as he worked. “If anything doesn’t feel good tell me right away, ok?” I nodded, gasping, and stroked his head. He only calls me baby when he’s stretching me like this. It makes me feel nurtured and taken care of. It makes me open wider for him.

A few times it felt like a little too much and I asked him to slow down. The first time he pulled out completely and I took his hand and pulled it back into me. His knuckles are wide and I just can’t fit them inside me. But when he’s got four fingers swirling inside me it feels like the world has swallowed me up. My moans become low and loud. My legs open wide for him. My arms clench and twist and I want to push down against him for more, more, more…

I came hard in blinding explosions till I felt like I was going to die and begged him for respite. He pushed me a little longer, then slowly slid out and collapsed on the bed beside me. I rolled over and wrapped my arm around his big chest, pressing my forehead to his cool skin. I panted and kissed him, my lips damp with his sweat. My pussy pounded- it felt full and fulfilled and sore.

I asked him what it felt like and he told me about how my body changes with arousal- the way my cervix drops down and the walls of my cunt expand- the way he swirls his fingers around inside me, feeling my g-spot swell. I listened, rapt, as my heart rate returned to normal.

After a little while I crawled between his legs, feeling small. I took his cock lovingly into my mouth and sucked him. I let my saliva drip down over my fingers and wet my grip. I bobbed slowly, watching him. He was exhausted but into it- his arms limp over his head and his closed eyes furrowing with sensation, his breath marking his pleasure. I sucked his flesh, concentrating on the head as my hand squeezed his shaft up and down. I liked being between his legs.

Soon he put his hands down on my arms and gently pulled me up on top of him. I paused, hovering above him- “Is this ok?” I whispered. I had told him last time that I had begun sleeping with someone else without condoms and he had said we should start using them. He reached over to his nightstand and pulled one out, putting it on as I kissed his neck.

I sank down onto him and sighed with pleasure. My cunt was sore and buzzing and alive. He felt amazing inside of me. I had been worried because David is quite a bit bigger, and I was worried I may have gotten used to something different. But The Chef is a master of his tools, and a master of manipulating my body and his hard cock pushed firmly up against my g-spot.

I sat up and began to ride him, pulling my long dark hair away from my face. I planted a hand on his chest and he gripped my hips, pounding into my body again and again. I grasped his hand in mine, hard, bouncing up and down as his hands led me. I came quickly, and then again. He kissed me deeply and then sucked on my nipples till he came too.

I dragged myself up off of him and sunk unto the bed. We both panted, sweaty, in the dark.

I pulled his hand up to my face and kissed it gently.

He turned toward me, kissed my lips, and spooned against me. I could feel him inhale deeply into my hair.

I felt free. I was being honest about my needs and I was getting all of them met. Everyone knew what was going on- it was all ethical and ok. I was living the dream. I was being true to myself, and honest about what I needed and what I wanted.

I had a boy who knew me inside and out and one who was exploring it alongside me. I had a boy who took charge of me unquestioningly and one who loves when I take control. I had one who got hard from slapping me across the face and one who couldn’t imagine doing it. Both sides were so beautiful and the contrast of the two is too amazing to describe. Each of them makes me appreciate the other even more.

I hugged The Chef’s arm to my stomach and smiled.

Soon we were both asleep.

He is thoughtful and helpful and sexy. He is attentive. He is gentle. He is on my mind constantly.

Though I think sometimes about putting more details about him here, something compels me not to. I don’t know if it feels more intimate that way, or if I just feel differently about him than I have about people before.

There’s something nice about this just being between the two of us.

I will say this: I am thinking about him in the long term. I can see us moving in together in a year or so. I like to spend as much time with him as possible. I want to bring him to meet more and more of my family and more and more of my friends. He is supportive and appreciative of the work I do.

He has had a sexual awakening with me and has begun to experiment in ways he never had before. And I am joining him- trying new things I’ve never had the courage to try before. He brings out a different side in me. With him I’m more dominant, more masochistic, more nurturing, more open with my feelings. When we snuggle it is heart to heart. It is impossible for me to talk to him or about him without my words becoming flowery and sentimental. I feel like there are not words big enough to describe the way I feel. There is a song from The Fantasticks called Metaphor that sometimes captures the feelings I have, which is funny, because it’s kind of a mockery of young idealistic love. But it’s true- sometimes he is the microscopic inside of a leaf.

I could listen to his heart beat for hours. I read to him and he reads to me and we cook and clean and snuggle and I couldn’t be happier. And then we go upstairs and have earth-shattering amazing sex for hours and hours. He’s a huge feminist and loves to talk about sex and gender politics with me.

I am oogly oogly googly about him.

He is idiosyncratic and fiercely bright. He has an open mind, an open heart, open senses, open imagination.

I don’t know if I’ll be writing much more about him- that part is yet to be decided. But for the sake of context, that is what is going on in that part of my life right now.

Yaaaaaaay!

David is phenomenal and sweet and devoted and romantic and thoughtful. The Chef abides.

Sex with David keeps getting better and better. Lots of power play (with me on top!) and some other kinky stuff- I’ll go into detail later, but it’s new fun taboo territory for me. Squee!

And Babeland, my very favorite company, sent me a _lovely_ Lelo vibrator that I am going to bring over to best friend Charlotte, who could use a little holiday cheer.

Wishing you all warmth, good communication, a place to try out fantasies, Hitachi magic wands, and overall sex-positivity,

Katie

oh god
oh god
oh god

Not oh god, he said. Oh sir.

I came.

I am super happy.

And I’m in love.

He is kind and sweet and thoughtful. He’s high-intensity, which can sometimes get to me when my nerves are frayed, but is more frequently a welcome gale in my exhausting day. Last night we sat in our own apartments and watched a terrible lifetime movie in tandem, commenting via im throughout and making snarky comments and predictions of who was guilty of what. It was really fun.

In bed, things are good. His hands- he is a bass player- are strong and adept and he easily and frequently brings me to writhing, trembling orgasms beneath him. He is an expert snuggler. He is a good communicator.

But he’s not kinky. I tied him up once, and he loved it- absolutely loved it. From time to time, he’ll hold my hands down while he’s fucking me. He is not into butts. After several gentle urgings of “you can do that harder!” he’s begun to pinch my nipples just shy of pain. He pulls my hair occasionally.

His heart is in it. He asked me if I wanted him to hit me with his belt. His enthusiasm touched me, though I know it’s not something that will turn him on. Without that, it looses its appeal to me. We will find out what works for us.

But his heart is good and he’s smart and funny and he treats me well. He is creative and adventurous and witty and unashamed of who he is. He is a very good guy.

He says that he doesn’t feel comfortable calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend unless we are exclusive. He begs me not to take this as a rejection- tells me he is happy with things between us as they are, and doesn’t want me to change unless I want to. He doesn’t see any other girls.

We had sex without a condom recently for the first time.

I’ve been seeing The Chef more and more sporadically. He’s got a lot going on and though I miss him intensely, I understand why work and family occupy his time more now. I respect his commitment and drive. I think sometimes about giving him up, for David’s sake. But there are things The Chef offers me that David simply can’t.

The Chef can put me into a spell- masterfully spin my desires and fears and insecurities into these fantastic sexual scenarios. He can engage me in power play that is intense and real and thrillingly trusting. He can get me drunk on a hand at my throat, thrill me by pushing me down just inside my front door and shoving his hard cock into my mouth, demand I engage in his fantasy that he hisses into my ear… The Chef can hold me in a way that makes me float away from everything that is on my mind, melting into his broad chest. His arms wrap around me like deafening waves. He can own my body, and I give it to him wholeheartedly.

I cannot give him up.

I saw him a few nights ago. We went for a walk by the river and he bent me over the railing, facing the path and in charge of looking out, and fucked me from behind. He pours himself into sex, coaxing orgasms out of my body and then pulling me into him, holding me up, stroking my hair. His hands on my body, his tongue on my nipples and ass and his hands everywhere- breasts, ass, back, neck, hair, stinging across my cheek… Earlier I had sniffled into his sweater as I told him how overwhelmed I was with my life. He held me to him and softly told me how strong I am and that he believed in me. He encouraged me not to hold myself to the impossible standards he knows I tend to embrace. And then he fucked me again and again and again and it all floated away from me till the voices in my head became quieter than the crickets.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here.

The Chef will never be what I need. And David- I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m not sure where this blog will fit into my life as it is- I’m now working 50+ hours a week and am in school full time, so this has fallen to the bottom of my priorities. But I do miss it. :(

To keep you up on things: Carter and I have moved back to friends status. He is great, but we are not for each other.

David is still here- he’s in bed next to me now, as I type. I am proceeding with wild abandon, in the meager free time I have. I like him a lot. He is sweet, and also busy. The time flies by.

I hope to keep writing, at least spottily, every so often.

Just know that I miss you, and that I am happy.

love,

Katie