Scary news and deep breaths

I’ve gone back and forth about chronicling this experience in my blog.  Of course there is  a chance that someone I know might find this blog.  This has always been the case, but whereas at first I only risked someone learning the ins and outs of my sex life, now I risk losing the privacy of my medical status.  On the other hand, the last 2 weeks have been incredibly traumatic and I really would have appreciated reading someone else’s account of their experience in this situation.  So I’m choosing to put this out there in good faith, hoping it will find the people who need it.

This post will be a little graphic.  If you’re looking for scintillating prose, this is not the post for you.  But I do hope you’ll read anyway, and learn from my experience.

Here goes.

After Zac and I slept together a few weeks ago, I had major pains in and around my butt.  I thought that maybe it was just the big stretch- we had tried anal sex, and then quit because it was so painful.  I bled a teensy tinsy bit, but was increasingly sore over the next few days.  He and I had both been tested since our last partners and he has trouble using condoms, so we didn’t use one.

I tried looking back there with a hand mirror and bent over in front of a wall mirror, but I couldn’t see much.  I got a flu with a fever and diarrhea, which made everything on my whole body hurt and irritated my butt even more.  The pain got worse and worse, to the point where bowel movements brought me to tears, and wiping was out of the question.  Instead I switched to showering afterward, and I stopped eating solid foods entirely.  Walking and sitting were uncomfortable.  In a few days I  knew something wasn’t right, so I made an appointment with my doctor.  My symptoms had started on Sunday, and my appointment was on Thursday.  My regular doctor wasn’t in that day, so I got someone I didn’t know.

She took a quick look and told me that she saw bumps on my rear, called vesicles.  She said there was a chance that it was just irritation from the sex, there was a chance that I could have herpes.

My heart stopped.  My mind went completely blank.

She looked at my vulva and saw no bumps there, which is good.  She said doctors don’t usually test for herpes during standard STD tests unless you specifically request it.  I hadn’t.  I didn’t know is Zac or The Chef had either.  She swabbed the bumps, and then had me also do blood and urine labs to check for other STDs.  I asked when the results would be available but she had no idea.  She told me to come back in a week to check up on the status of things.  She prescribed me some pills and topical ointment and sent me on my way.  I held it together while I was in the office.

As soon as I was out I burst into tears.  I called my Gay Life Mate, Marco, who is a phenomenal person and also a guru of all sexual health information.  He calmed me down a little, reassured me that everything was going to be ok, and promised to send me information.  I drove directly to the pharmacy and tried to get myself together enough to go inside.  I got my prescription, cried the whole way home, came inside, got in bed, and cried for another hour or two.

I spent the next few days curled in a ball in my bed, crying and sleeping and googling herpes.  The facts and possibilities swirled in my head.  I had had sex with The Chef about 2 weeks before my outbreak, and Zac a day or two before.  I was horrified to think that I could have gotten it from one of them and passed it to the other.

Herpes has a 2 week incubation period, but it was still impossible to tell who I had gotten it from.  Also where- there are two strains of herpes, HSV1 and HSV2.  The former is most commonly found on the mouth (the same thing as cold sores and fever blisters) and the latter is typically found on the genitals or rectum, but both of them can live in either location.  Both Zac and The Chef had performed analingus on me, and I had had anal sex with both.  There were too many possibilities to be able to narrow anything down.

I also learned that a ton of people who have herpes don’t know they have it, and that it can be transmitted even when someone’s not having an outbreak.  Also, condoms are only protective if they cover the region of the body that has herpes.  This sounds obvious, but lots of people have outbreaks in their general pubic region.  Sometimes someone’s outbreak is so small they mistake it for an ingrown hair or a pimple.

My body was run down and exhausted.  I was lucky to have the week off from work, because I spent about 4 straight days lying in bed and crying.  I knew people would be able to tell something was wrong by looking at me or hearing me, so I avoided contact with almost everyone.

I had a date with James the night of my appointment, so I emailed to cancel.  I suggested we break things off entirely and though I didn’t intend to tell him any details, I was fragile and he was sweet and my dam broke and I told him everything.  He comforted me a little, and told me to come over anyway so I wouldn’t be alone.  I trekked out to his place and sat on the couch next to him and his dog.  We watched Pineapple Express, which just so happens to have a running herpes gag in it.  Greeeat.

I crawled into his bed, wearing full-on sweat pants and a t-shirt.  I didn’t think I could spread anything to him but I wanted to be sure.  He hadn’t touched me at all, save for a hug upon arrival and some slight hand contact during the movie.  I rolled away from him, not feeling like a being at all, let alone a sexual one.  I fell asleep almost immediately, exhausted from my day.

I woke up the next morning and stared at the ceiling.  My butt was throbbing.  My stomach was yearning for nourishment.  I wanted to disappear and be nothing.  He got up to let the dog out and when he came back I was curled on my side in a little ball, crying.  He lay next to me and I broke into gut-wrenching sobs.  I couldn’t imagine ever asking anyone to touch me again, and being here with him was just a reminder of that.  I felt terribly alone, there in his arms.

I got myself together and got dressed.  He hugged me and tried to pep me up a little, but I had a hair trigger for tears and so I just got in my car and went home.  I wanted to be alone.  I wondered if it was the last time I would see him.

I decided to tell The Chef as soon as possible, and wait to tell Zac until I knew the results.  I knew neither of them was sleeping with anyone else, and I didn’t want to stress Zac out unnecessarily.  I did need The Chef’s support, though, and set up a time to see him on Saturday.

 

Tags: anal, analingus, casual sex, condom, cunnilingus, depression, genital herpes, intimacy, James, libido, loneliness, sex, STD, STD test, The Chef, Uncategorized, vagina, Zac